Thursday, August 3, 2017

Weighing Advice

Horse people tend to be rather opinionated folks. The same can be said for many people on the internet. When you overlap those circles and dip your toe into the realm of internet horse people – well…. There’s a lot of cray.
I’m sure some of you on Facebook have seen groups like Horrible Horsemanship and Rachet Riders that are maelstroms of insanity. Even staples like OTTB Connect can bring out some really wacky lurkers when a hot button topic is posted. I tend to steer clear of the veritable trainwrecks that ensue when people poll social media for training or medical advice. Before Facebook groups, there were (and still are!) bulletin boards like COTH and HorseGroomingSupplies (although I think that one is now defunct. Or renamed. Or something.). Before the internet, there were other avenues. There are always people asking for/looking to share their opinion. It's human nature.
I’ve also seen quite a bit of advice dished out in my (admittedly brief and limited) foray in the blogosphere. Some of it is requested and well-received – some of it is… not. I do try to make sure my comments are free from unsolicited advice (although I’m sure I’ve slipped up here or there!) – and even if the person is requesting advice, I try to be positive and helpful (while also including the disclaimer that while such and such has worked for me, I’m not saying it will work for everyone). Because literally no one in the history of ever is going to receive advice well if its unsolicited couched in nastiness or being rude. 
Weighing the merits of advice from various sources wasn’t even really on my radar until a FB friend shared a post that really resonated with me earlier this week. It was originally posted on the page NZ Freedom Horse and Rider and it talked about how to keep the opinions of others from stressing you out by checking the source using three succinct criteria:
• Is the person sharing advice someone that you would want to trade horses with?
• Do they have the relationship or achievements with horses that you would like to have?
• Is their horse healthy and what does the “track record” of maintenance and care look like? 

There is nothing wrong with being selective about the advice you choose to follow after deciding for yourself if it comes from a source that is useful. The end of the post was what stopped me in my tracks though – “I do try to keep an open mind to the thoughts of others who are where I want to be or at least are where I am now traveling the same path… DO NOT stress or lose sleep over the thoughts of those who do not understand or are clearly on a different journey.” 
Whoa. I took a day or two to mull this over. I am friends with horse people from every walk of life imaginable. From people who pay board in the four figures every month to people who keep horses on a single acre in their backyard and live in a camper trailer. From people who paid more for their horse than I paid for my property, to people with free horses. From people who have won so many ribbons and awards they can’t even display them all, to people who have never set foot in the show ring. People with grade horses, people with registered horses, people with old horses, people with young horses. People who breed horses, and people who rescue them. People who train horses, and people who pay trainers. People who have intense competition goals and have horses come and go until they find the perfect fit, and people who mold their riding and events around whatever their current horse excels at.

And I didn’t mean any of those in a negative way – just as descriptors of a variety of totally normal situations. And you know what? All of those things are okay. Just because they’re in a situation that’s different from mine, doesn’t negate their knowledge. It doesn’t mean they know less, or know more, or are dumb, or are experts.
 But, what it does mean is that I’m going to weigh advice coming from those sources against my own scale – and that’s also okay. What works for my dramatic Spanish mares might not work for someone else’s OTTB, or green stock horse, or aged schoolmaster – and vice versa. It’s perfectly fine for me to weigh advice from someone who is on a vastly different journey than I am, and choose to discard it. In the same vein, it's totally fine if someone asks for my opinion, weighs it against their own experience, and then decide to do something totally different. 

At the end of the day -- nobody but you knows the journey you're on and is walking in your metaphorical shoes. And only you get to decide if your relationship with your horse is fulfilling. Or whether or not you want to create, trash, or adapt your goals based on... the signs of the moon. Or whatever floats your boat. That's okay. Are you having fun? Are you and your horses safe, happy and healthy? Good. You do you. Don't ever be afraid to weigh advice against your own set of criteria and pick and choose the advice you accept and act on. 
But if you're getting dressage tips from a hunter princess? Or suggestions on your achieving the ideal XC canter from someone who never leaves the arena? Or advice on the perfect showmanship pivot from someone who has never set foot in the ring? Or being badgered to take lessons from an "upper level dressage trainer" whose claim to fame is a few sub-50 scores at 4th level? Or being offered ground manners training tips from someone whose horse is a dick to handle? Yeahhhhh. Maybe feel free to smile and nod and chuck that well-meaning advice where it belongs -- in the trash bin. 
So. Do you have criteria you weigh advice against? How do you deal with unsolicited advice? Or even solicited advice from someone who... maybe doesn't need to give you advice?

36 comments:

  1. Omg I love this post - on so many levels. It's so true that hearing negative input from any corner can be really upsetting. But I love those criteria for figuring out if maybe it is or is not worth taking very seriously. Esp the bit about "would you trade horses" or "have they achieved what you hope to." That's a very good way to think about it!

    Personally I really enjoy learning about other ppl's experiences. What other ppl have been thru and how they've dealt with it. In fact I often ask ppl to share their experiences too! But unsolicited advice is a huge pet peeve. Huge. Lol. Like. I have a swarm of paid professionals whose specific function in my life is to guide and advise me. Why would I instead go with what an Internet stranger says?? I try to be really thoughtful about when I ask for advice, to make sure that I'm asking the right ppl the right questions and am not actually just looking for validation (something else entirely).

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    1. Exactly! And I'm not saying that people in various situations might actually have useful advice. Because hey, they might! And I really do enjoy hearing about how people from all walks of life have figured out specific situations. But then I get to decide what I do with that info 😋 haha.

      I think you've got the right idea. Surround yourself with solid professionals who know you and your horse, and take advice from internet strangers with a grain of salt.... Lol.

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  2. A-freaking-men. It's hard not to play the comparison game. It's even harder for our younger riders. I try to remind myself, whenever I'm tempted, that there are a lot of other things going on besides horses (for me) and as long as they are happy and healthy, I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes it means growing a thicker skin but that's probably good, in general, anyway

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    1. Oh definitely! I think as bloggers we kind of need to have thicker skin anyway -- because we're kind of putting ourselves under a microscope and letting any joe-schmoe comment on what we do... Haha. I think the key is to weigh those comments using whatever criteria we set up, and being able to dismiss the unnecessary ones.

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  3. Preach it, girlfriend! 99.9% of internet advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt, and a "Thanks for your suggestion!" while you go on your merry way!

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    1. Haha yes ma'am! Politely thank them, and do what you were gonna do anyway 😉

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  4. I have written my response a few times now because I keep wandering off on a tangent. Clearly I have opinions too. Love this post.

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  5. It's really cool to see this all written out. It's a thought process I've had but never put words to paper. I've stumbled into using those three criteria to screen many things in recent years. And I also watch what I say/how I say it on the blog as to not solicit unwanted advice/opinions. Reading back on old posts I don't blame anyone for giving me a piece of their mind because my writing really left the door open to that, now I try to keep that door closed unless I really want to hear from folks. The worst of the worst will still throw shade your way no matter what, but on the other hand the best of the best will also still reach out (often privately) to offer help if it's really needed and the door was closed to advice. It's such a fine line sometimes!

    Great post, lady. Thoughtful and well done.

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    1. Right?? Like I was already mentally weighing advice before this, but those three criteria just struck me and I was like "oh! Gotta blog about this!"

      And thank you, I'm glad you liked it!

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  6. I love these criteria. I wish people would use them prior to giving advice. Like does this person have similar goals? Nope. Maybe I'll just keep my mouth shut 😂

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  7. Yep, such good points! I try to always consider advice given to me, even if I decide not to take it. You really never know what you don't know... until you know it.
    That said, some of the advice can be more a lesson in what not to do. And then you have to consider everything you just mentioned.

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    1. Exactly -- not saying to just chuck all advice will nilly -- definitely consider it with an open mind. But don't lose sleep if you decide to chuck it after carefully weighing it against whatever criteria you decide on.

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  8. Favorite blog post of the entire year. PREACH! The happy upside is that I actually take advice from you all the time! Your horses are healthy, "normal" and albeit dramatic are good citizens and having walked about on one of their backs, overall good eggs. I have ridden with you, listened to you, "kvetched" to you and you have never steered me wrong or offered me unsolicited advice or recommendations be it persons, horses, or products. In my mind that makes you a horseman! Of course THAT term is NOT floated around willy-nilly either. Too many experts out there with their bad actor horses and crazy training methods..but I digress. Well done lady, well done!

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    1. Aww thank you! I love our rides and am always happy to share my experiences or thoughts (with the caveat that it still might not work for you) -- I don't think it's acceptable to treat every horse like a cookie cutter when they're all so individual. And you've met my girls, so you know how different they are from each other 😉 thank you so much for your kind comment 💕

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  9. Here is my opinion: Your ponies are gorgeous and I want to steal them. That is all.

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    1. I can't condone the theft, but you are always welcome to visit and take them for a spin! 😋

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  10. I think those are some really intelligent guidelines to consider. I love the idea of listening to people who "..are where you want to be". That said, I frequently like to solicit opinions on my own blog because if I don't know the answer, sometimes someone unexpected can have a good idea. I use it like brainstorming though, not every idea makes it to the implementation stage.

    In other news, I saw your post title and I was excited to get some advice on weighing horses!... I am dubious about weight tapes and occasionally consider unloading and reloading a horse on a trailer on a truck weigh scale to see how heavy they are, I thought you might have devised a better plan so I feel a little let down lmao

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    1. So true! It can be very helpful to solicit advice from a bigger group (so in this case, bloggers at large) to potentially give you new insight. I like your brainstorming/implementation example, not all of the suggestions are gonna be gems 😉 haha.

      And oh darn, sorry to disappoint! My vet has a scale that all incoming horses walk on so I have an idea of how much most of mine weigh haha. Do you have a local feed mill? Sometimes they have scales? If you had a horse that was solid to trailer/load/unload and didn't mind new places, that might be an option?

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  11. Those 3 questions are EXCELLENT.

    You hit the nail on the head with your post though. I have no problem listening to advice but I have to consider the person's experience as well. That doesn't mean a less educated equestrian can't teach me something new, it just means I have to value their experience as equal to of above my own. And that can come from any walk of life (as you said)!

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    1. Aren't they though? They're all criteria I had sort of used in an unconscious way, but having them spelled out like that was a huge "YES!" moment for me. And like you said, that doesn't mean someone less educated can't teach you something new also!

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  12. I don't ask for advice on my posts and am always surprised at the number of bloggers that do on theirs. If I want advice, I ask any of the professionals around me or do my own research, not the internet. Opinion is opinion, and that's all that blogger advice is. Maybe it's because I'm in an older age bracket than the average blogger, but I do think there are too many bloggers asking for advice on subjects that they should be asking their vets/trainers/barn managers/more experienced riders about instead of the Internet/the blogging community/Facebook.

    Excellent post!

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    1. I typically don't ask for advice, but I may ask people to share experiences (which are two separate things in my mind -- advice is asking people to tell ME what to do, whereas asking for experience is more of me being curious what you did in the same/similar situation). I can think of a few exceptions though -- earlier this spring I was interested in potentially trying out endurance, and since I have no experience in that area, and none of my trusted horse professionals did either, I did post and ask for tips/recommendations/local people to try to meet up with. That ultimately didn't pan out (mostly due to my lack of time to condition), but the blogging community had lots of good info for me to weigh and check out and I still think it was a valuable experience over all.

      I agree that ultimately people should be using their vets/trainers/barn managers/etc for more advice, but I have learned about some pretty cool products and things via blogging that the horse professionals in my life had never recommended to me. So I think a balance can be useful assuming you can rationally weigh advice and carefully consider the sources. But at any rate, glad you enjoyed the post :)

      Side note, I am sad I won't get to read the conclusion of your experiment post about your competition -- I have been following along via IG and then your recent posts and it was super inspiring to see how you methodically made and met your goals. Kudos for that level of discipline!

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    2. Oh no, I didn't mean *you* specifically! :) Please don't take it as criticism; I was very much generalizing in my comment. I love your blog and have been lurking for awhile. There's just been a growing trend lately for requesting advice, especially in the eventer crowd. Very much agree with you on all counts! Your advice is excellent. And I did similar when I was starting in endurance: I reached out privately to other bloggers competing in the sport so I could get a feel for how different people approached conditioning, especially non-Arabs. (Same reason as you: my vet was experienced with distance riding but at a personal level, and everyone else I knew were older walk-only trail riders.) It was awesome when some of those same people later reached out to me when I started with my girls to see what I had done, for ideas of their own. It was a truly wonderful, enlightening experience that occurred behind the scenes of Blogland, but that would not have been possible without it.

      My blog will most likely be public again in the near future but I had to stop for a moment to regroup. It's really hard to make all of that public. Really hard. It's really hard to share an experience like that and put oneself out there the way that I did. I strip to the core in those posts. And I did it because I know there are so very many women that struggle with the same issues and no one talks about it. I like talking about controversial stuff on my blog and I basically embodied it in this series of posts, both on the body image front and the sport of bodybuilding itself. The truth is that there are people out there that I would rather not read what I write, but I can't control that. I just needed to take a minute. I'll probably make it public again when I finish the last post. I'm glad you've enjoyed it. <3

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    3. It's all good, I didn't take it as criticism! Glad you started commenting ☺ I really love the interacting part of blogging, it's been a fun learning curve for me. And that's actually where I picked up an interest in endurance -- so many fabulous blogs about it! Maybe I can try it if my life levels out in the future, lol.

      I'm also glad to hear your hiatus is only temporary. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to be that open and honest in your writing -- I strive for authenticity in my posts but it's definitely at a different level because the stuff I have going on is at a much lower intensity level (although obviously lately I don't have much going on at all! Haha). But it was definitely educational to read through your whole process. I don't know that I commented on any of it because I really wasn't sure I had anything to add (that wouldn't sound dumb!), but it was definitely eye opening! I'm glad to hear I'll get to hear your resolution/final thoughts because I think that will be the most interesting part of the series for me! ☺

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  13. I'll ask for advice sometimes, but I always take it with a grain of who the hell said it. I do think it's interesting how some people will ask for advice and then HATE the people who gave them a true answer. There are so many times I see posts on Facebook in particularly that just blow up because someone asks for advice, someone tell them what they're doing wrong, and the initial person freaks the hell out and then everyone else jumps on one side of that bandwagon.

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    1. Some people ask for advice assuming everyone will tell them what they were already planning to do 😂

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  14. Yeah I always take into account the person who is offering the advice. Some people just hold more water than others.

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  15. "word". I totally agree with you and say "YAY" to you for having the guts to say it. I listen to everyone, what they have to say and then I filter it. I was once told by someone that my horse wouldn't amount to anything and he had conformation issues (insert der into here as he has a splade hoof that i am bloody aware of) meanwhile, said person, had a horse they had bred, an expensive car, float, saddle and property with everything you could need and couldn't get over 50% in entry level dressage; they then started to give me riding advice. WTF was my thought. my mumma always said (insert forest gump voice here) that you can't buy common sense or was it you can have money but not sense.. hmm I digress. I guess what i am trying to say is that if someone is giving you advice then yes be aware of what they are doing themselves. Tall poppy syndrome lives on in this world and unfortunately the internet is a place for people who want to crap on other peoples dreams for whatever reason. I have always said that bullying comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy. I ignore them. If i am happy, not hurting anyone, my horses welfare is my top priority and i am a courteous and respectful competitor then everyone else can just well... bugger off. "Shake it off" by Taylor Swift is on my CD player lots at times. Happy Riding & Keep Smiling Mel x

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  16. I love your word choice with filter -- that's exactly what I do! And also, "If i am happy, not hurting anyone, my horses welfare is my top priority and i am a courteous and respectful competitor then everyone else can just well... bugger off."
    Exactly! Glad you enjoyed the post ☺

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